The Mathematics of Paradise

Saudi-based cleric Muhammad Ali Shanqiti discards the old 72 virgins tradition in favour of a radical new vision of sex in the after-life:

Every Muslim man gets at least two black-eyed virgins in Paradise. Each virgin comes with 70 servants girls. You are permitted [to have sex] with the virgins as well as the servant girls. For every woman from this world who enters Paradise, you get 70 black-eyed virgins.

There are four types of women in Paradise. First, there are the women of this world who enter Paradise. Each one comes with 70 black-eyed virgins. The second type of woman in Paradise is the black-eyed virgin. Each comes with 70 servant girls. These servant girls are the third type. Sorry, there are only three types of women in Paradise.  […]

If you get married in this world, then you get your wife from this world, along with 70 black-eyed virgins with whom you are allowed to have sex, and each of these 70 virgins comes with 70 servant girls.

So how many women do you get? That's the minimum.

Now, let's assume that you are married to four wives, each of whom comes with 70 black-eyed virgins, and each virgin comes with 70 servant girls… How many does it come to? God help you...

This is where a calculator would've come in handy. (His problem with the number of types of women in paradise - a kind of reverse Spanish Inquisition effect - suggests that mental arithmetic is not his strong point.)  

So, let's do the maths...

Four wives, say, each with 70 black-eyed virgins. That's...purses lips, taps figures into the calculator... 280 black-eyed virgins. And each of these brings 70 servant girls. That's...19,600 servant girls. Phew! And those are just the servant girls, remember. Let's not forget those 280 virgins...and the four wives...that's 19, 600 plus 280, plus 4, which makes.....19,884. Nineteen thousand eight hundred and eighty four women! Which is....a stunning 276-fold increase over the original 72 virgins. Now that's progress.

Anglican sermons were never like this.

Comments

[Dom]

So what happens on day 19,885? Same old hags?

[SnoopyTheGoon]

What is the meaning of "black eyed" in this case, I wonder?

[TDK]

I have a question.

What happens to the women who get divorced in this world?

[Andy]

If you have sex with one of your virgins, they are no longer a virgin by definition. Do you get a replacement?

[Mick H]

I think I read somewhere that they're self-renewing virgins - but I make no claims on expert knowledge in such abstruse theological concerns.

[TDK]

Historically Christianity regarded disability like disease as a consequence of 'the fall'. We lost perfection when we fell from grace. Consequently it followed that if people went to heaven they would be restored to perfection. No disease, no blindness, no leprosy, no down's sydrome etc. You would regain that leg you lost in an accident.

Not surprisingly that has changed in recent years and now disabled people don't consider themselves imperfect.

The reason I mention this is that, given the religious imperative of being pure, it seems highly likely that woman are not just virgins but probably incapable of losing their virginity. Thus our host may be spot on.

[Bob-B]

What, no blue-eyed blondes?